Why Does My Confidence Disappear When I Compete?

Consolation Third place medal (We’ve all been there)

Hitting a Wall in Jiu-Jitsu

I am purposely writing and publishing this in the middle of my losing streak.

Not after I figured it out. Not after I get back to the top of the podium. Not when I find some inspirational lesson and pretend I had it figured out the whole time.

Now.

Part of that is because I want to give you real-time insight into my Jiu-Jitsu journey. The other part is because when I come out of this and start saying “I told you so,” I want there to be evidence that I saw it coming.

Anyway…

For the last year, maybe year and a half, I have been on a bit of a losing streak, in my own unique way.

I’ve won some matches. I’ve won a couple small tournaments here and there. But in a lot of my big defining matches — and honestly, even some “normal” matches — I’ve folded under pressure in ways that felt uncharacteristic, or I’ve struggled in moments where I felt like I shouldn’t have.

There are a few reasons for that…

The first is that I’ve been branching out from my comfort zone.

In the past, I was a sub-only king. No points, no advantages, and just about any leg lock I want? Sign me up.

After winning a lot of sub-only tournaments, I started doing more point-based tournaments. And losing in those rulesets exposed holes in my game that my ego won’t let me ignore.

The second reason is that I’ve been taking tougher matches.

When you sign up for the big acronym tournaments — IBJJF, ADCC, all that — people are not playing around. These are guys training every day with one thing on their mind: standing at the top of the podium.

And competing at blue and purple belt means I’m competing against a lot of the future stars of the sport.

But acknowledging that brings me to the Most Embarrassing and Revealing reason I’ve been losing a lot of these matches…

What I have kinda realized while writing this

I may sound like an entitled a**hole right now, but this is my blog and you came here, so just keep reading.

The biggest reason I keep losing these matches is…

When it’s time to perform, my confidence disappears.

I have constant thoughts like:

“This guy is better than you.”

“You aren’t on this level.”

“You don’t belong here.”

And the crazy part is, I don’t even think those things are true.

I train every day. I work hard. I test myself. Realistically, I can compete with just about anybody.

But that voice in my head is powerful…

For now.

Have I hit a competitive wall?

Yes.

Will that stop me?

No.

What Does This Mean For You?

I know this is part of the journey. I know I’ll come out of it. But it’s been bothering me, and I wanted to acknowledge it instead of pretending it wasn’t happening.

Like I said in the beginning, I’m documenting this so you have something to look back on when I randomly start gloating on the internet again.

But to end on a serious note: if you’re in a down season, resilience and persistence are the only way out. You are not the only one struggling. You are not the only one doubting yourself. And you are not finished just because you’re losing right now.

Even KingLefty can’t win them all.